Much

This past year I've been constantly reminded of that verse in the Bible that says to whom much has been given, much will be expected. It's uncomfortable to think about. Yet it's a phrase that seems to have taken up permanent residence in my head. With all the recent focus on Haiti, it has become blatantly obvious that I am in the "much" category. It's easy to compare myself to others in my community and I can notice my cheaper clothing, my lack of this, my modest that... It's very easy to see those with more. But then I turn around ... I look the other way. I am overwhelmed by how much I have. What am I to do with this? I start to hate the feeling of conviction without direction. (But that probably points right back to the fact that I don't like to be uncomfortable.) Jesus said to leave it all and come follow him. I'm not quite sure how to do that. In the meantime, I can choose where I am looking - enough with Hollywood's "best dressed" list already! I can look at the faces and start to truly love "the least of these." I can hold my possessions with open hands and be more willing to share. I can pray for a heart that actually means it when I say "Lord, this house, this car, my energy, my time, my money is yours. Use it however you see fit." And I can prepare my heart to be alert and obedient whenever he does say "come follow me ... and this is how I want you to do it."

My Pseudo Life

One thing about myself, that I really dislike, is my tendency to feel satisfied with fake living. Reading about fitness, but not actually exercising ... watching fake t.v. characters developing great friendships, but not putting in the effort myself ... looking at cookbooks for entertainment, then not having anything prepared for dinner. I could go on and on, but I'm feeling transparent enough as it is.

Thinking, planning, reading, making lists. These become worthless, even damaging, when they satisfy the need without first spurring one on to action. It's like eating junk food - your hunger is satisfied, but your body still lacks nutrients - the good things that nourish life and bring about health. I struggle with this often, but on the other hand, also have a desperate need to take stock of my life and assess whether I'm living the life I'm really meant to live. I've never really craved another's life, but rather, am envious of the person who I see truly living her life - being who God made her to be. I want to be Fully Alive.

In praying about this, I've realized two things that keep me from being fully alive: my pseudo life (which is the subject of this post) and one other thing (which I've been aware of and fought against for some time, and which I feel no further need to process, therefore blog about.) But as far as this pseudo life thing goes, it's time to get rid of it and feel the real lack in my life, then face it head on. So goodbye hulu, and all the rest. You've been fun, but not really. Time to do something real.