The Meet and Greet

First of all, my apologies!! I had no idea I'd be this busy. Today is my first "chill" day so I'm going to try to upload some pictures and write about my first day in Bukavu. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a lot more spare time on my hands now, so I hope to fill you all in on what's been happening.

On Thanksgiving morning, I woke up in Kigali after just one hour of sleep. Kevin (another OFA adoptive dad who I've been traveling with since Amsterdam) and I headed back to the Kigali airport and took a quick flight to Kamembe, which is a town on the border of Rwanda and Congo. It was an absolutely gorgeous flight. There were little homesteads scattered equally over the green, lush hills that spanned the distance between Kigali and Kamembe. I could see people down on the red, dirt roads - in groups, walking, working. Every house had a garden and saw a few people out hoeing in their gardens, and one woman sweeping the path with a homemade broom.

After the 30 minute flight, we landed in Kamembe. The "airport" was just a little tiny building - we didn't even go inside. Just walked from the plane, through a fence, grabbed our bags out of the back of a pick-up truck and grabbed a taxi. The ride to the border was actually pretty fun. It was beautiful scenery, and we drove crazily around potholes and people and cars. I was in the back, smashed up against our mountain of luggage. I remember I just felt very alive at that moment. We saw women walking from Congo carrying large empty containers on their heads. They cross the border in the morning to buy goods in Rwanda. They then take it back to sell in Congo.

After just 10 minutes of driving, we arrived at the border, where we were met by Mike (our twins' foster dad). He helped us go through customs. It would have been a pretty intimidating process, I imagine, had he not been there. But for us, it was really quite simple. We piled in the jeep and drove through the town of Bukavu - just 5 or 10 more minutes and we were at the house! Time to meet the kids!!

These first two pictures are of me meeting the twins - that's Noah in the picture. You can't see Lauren, but she is right beside him. Noah went to me right away, while Lauren was a little hesitant.

The next two pictures are of us in the twins' room, where I also stayed while I was in Bukavu. This is about 15 minutes after I arrived, I think. Lauren had a hard time warming up to me, but a few days later, she actually fell asleep on me at the dinner table. So sweet. This is right before she drifted off.

I hope to write more very soon, but the kids are up and I am trying to finish up between bites. I'm not editing and polishing, so apologies (again) for a choppy post. Crossing my fingers that it sends!

I Am the Girl.

I am the girl who checks the ingredients, soaks the grains, makes extra trips to buy the raw goat’s milk, and eats fermented cabbage.

I am the girl who doesn’t plan dinner, has pizza delivered, asks her husband to get ice cream, and eats pizza for breakfast the next day.

I am the girl who makes her dishwasher detergent, compares homemade deodorant recipes, mops with vinegar, and fills the recycle bin quicker than the garbage can.

I am the girl who throws away vegetable scraps, doesn’t recycle the messiest containers, prefers paper towels to rags, and can’t imagine using cloth diapers when the twins come home.

I am the girl who is the good mom.

I am the girl who is the bad mom.

I am the girl who loves, listens, encourages, gives generously, is patient, and is thoughtful.

I am the girl who whines, criticizes, is stingy (especially with food), wants too much alone time, and is irritable.

I am the girl who freaks out, clings needily, frets and strives but doesn’t accomplish, spins her thoughts round and round her head, and can’t understand why she’s being unpleasant.

I am the girl who finally prays and hears God say, “Peace.”

I am the girl who knows she’s imperfect, yet perfectly loved, and that she’s in progress, but getting there.

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

Some Truths about Whom I've Been

[Before I write anything, I'll confess that I had to google "who vs. whom" for my title. Grammar geeks, please let me know if I got it wrong!]

I have a few disclaimers to start with: 1) this post is not about adoption, and 2) I have a feeling it's going to be long. Feel free to skip over my processing if you're just here for news about the babies. My feelings will not be hurt.

I really never meant for this blog to be technically "an adoption blog". Of course, I had no idea we'd be adopting internationally until a month after I began this blog. As I was contemplating the end of another year this past December, I really felt God telling me that this year would bring about new things in my life. Adopting twins from DRC definitely feels like the biggest "new" thing thus far, however, I have noticed many other changes, as well. I kind of feel like I'm coming back to life and finding my passions and purpose after more than a decade of feeling, well ... dead, in a lot of areas. But before I get to the fun stuff, a necessary jaunt to the past is in order...

During the summer of 1999, about half a year before Zach and I were married, I was working my 3rd summer at a Christian day camp outside of Newberg. As the summer went along, I began to feel more and more tired, and like I just didn't want to do anything anymore. It was frustrating, and I thought that maybe I just had some character flaw in me - laziness, lack of motivation, etc. Whatever it was, I ended up staying at home a lot that summer and not joining in most of the activities I'd loved the previous 2 summers at the camp. I came to find out in September that I had mono, which explained a lot. I had no idea the spiral that it would send me down, though, and that I'd feel the effects of that even today - 11 years later.

I became extremely tired the next year, and Zach got to practice the "in sickness" part of our vows from the get go. A typical day that first year would look like this: I would get up late in the morning, he'd be gone to work, I'd lay on the couch and watch t.v. or read, be proud of myself if I got even an hour's worth of work done that day, maybe make dinner. Zach would come home and eat, do the dishes, hang with me on the couch because I wasn't up for doing anything, and then carry me to bed at the end of the day when I was too tired to do anything at all. And repeat, repeat, repeat. I spent a lot of money and time the next several years, trying to feel well again. And I got more and more sick. I ended up with labels like multiple chemical sensitivities, adrenal fatigue, vitamin B deficiency, magnesium deficiency, and probably a few more that I've put out of my memory.

After several years, I was scared, very tired, and had a whole lot of weird symptoms that included feeling weak on the right side of my body, numbness and tingling in my arms and face that would happen at random times and whenever I'd ride in a car for more than 5 - 10 minutes, panic attacks, skipped heart beats, insomnia that would cause me to wake up gasping for air right as I was falling asleep and would keep me awake until 3 or 4 in the morning sometimes. Again, there are many more, but I really don't want to drag them out of the recesses of my mind. I started to be afraid of everything including food (is something in it going to make me feel sick?), the air (what chemicals are floating around that may cause symptoms?), and personal hygiene products, for the same reason. I was a mess. My apologies to many of my friends during that time. I know I checked out.

Of course, I prayed about all of this a lot, but I never got any lasting relief from my fears and symptoms. Finally, in desperation when I was about 6 months pregnant, I started begging God to change something in me. I knew I wouldn't be able to fake my way through parenthood like I was trying to in many of my friendships, and I did not want to pass any of this onto my child. One morning, sobbing in the shower, praying over my unborn child and calling out for rescue, I felt God speaking to me, and telling me she would have peace.

I'd like to say that a lot changed right after that moment, but it didn't. It's been a slow process, like a glacier carving out the side of a mountain. There were certainly big moments when God showed me something new, whether through time spent with Him or through other people, or when He did free me from something too big for me to overcome. But mostly it's been a lot of hard work - choosing to obey when it felt like I couldn't, choosing to believe what I felt Him telling me rather than what my body was telling me, choosing to acknowledge that all of the fear in my life was sin - plain and simple, choosing to submit myself to Him over and over again. And in the past 5 years, I have become a new (though still in-progress) person. Sometimes I still have to fight hard against the identity of "sick Heather" that I've thought of myself for so many years. Many times, I still have to confess when I dwell on fearful thoughts, and some days I still struggle with lack of energy (or the bad habits that being sick for so long created). However, all of my hard work would be nothing if God did not take my often meager efforts, and make them into something more than I'm capable of. I know for a fact that there is nothing good in me without His presence in my life. I am quite honestly pathetic and useless without His mercy. I have seen it.

So back to the present. If you've stuck with me this far, well, thank you. As I said at the beginning of this post, I have had a lot of new things awakening in me this past year - things that I have started or am making plans for. I am excited. I'd like to write more about each one, but I fear I have written more than necessary already today. Be on the lookout soon for a post about my next adventure: homeschooling. Even after all the planning I've done, and so much reading and talking about the subject, I am still in a bit of disbelief that I'm actually doing this. It's so funny how we can think, "Never in a million years..."

Just a Quick Note ...

... to say that Lauren took her first steps yesterday. Amazing that 6 months ago she could barely hold her head up. So very proud, and wishing I could be there to cheer her on.

Glad I Didn't Make A Paper Chain...

So, our 30-day appeal window has not started yet. We've heard that we received a favorable judgement, but until the paperwork is actually filed, we don't start the countdown. I'm also still a little weary to think of them as "ours" until someone actually sees that the paperwork does exist! It is getting harder and harder to wait. For awhile I had been pretty content to wait and bide my time, but I am now really feeling like they need to be home. It is just time. More than just a desire to have them with me, I have a gut feeling that they need to come home now.

Unfortunately, there is still so much that has to happen first. And lately those things have not been happening in a timely manner. Of course, nothing about this process has happened along the time frame that I thought it would. Some things (like starting the process with OFA and getting our referral) have been extremely fast. Everything else (getting the homestudy started and then finished, FINGERPRINTS!!, and getting a judgement) have taken far longer.

I've started praying this way: God, you are so big. You move mountains and seas, bring the dead back to life, harden and soften hearts at will. You give life and take it away. Please move mountains and bring our babies home. If you say "no" out of your wisdom, then let it be. However, if there is any other reason keeping them from coming soon, then be mighty in this situation, and clear the way for them to come home.

We will hopefully hear about our judgment tomorrow. In the meantime, I am getting things ready at home that doesn't involve purchasing things. Today, with Megan's help, I cleared her room of little kid stuff and shoved it all into the room for them that I still need to finish painting. It is an organized mess in there, and for some reason, I am stuck and can't seem to finish the project. The room needs painted regardless. But I just can't seem to go in there and actually do it. I don't believe in jinxing (how the heck do you spell that word??) or anything superstitious, but I feel like I just don't get to prepare for them yet. Like I'm jumping the gun, I guess. Some days it's just hard to believe that they'll ever be home. But I see them every time we sit down at the table to eat dinner, and every time we are driving to church. I miss them when we're doing fun family activities (going to the fair, the lake, or any kind of celebration), and even when we're not doing much at all. Megan cried today, asking me why they weren't home yet. I just told her to pray. They are definitely a part of our family, and have found a place very deep inside our hearts.

Fingerprints & other details...

Just a quick update (two posts in one day - wow!!) to say that I finally got a letter from USCIS today regarding my fingerprints. They failed again. Stinks. So now I need to get my prints taken here, and send those off to Oregon State Police. It should take about 2 weeks once I send them in, for me to get the clearance letter I need from them. (Thankfully I've only lived in one city for the last 5 years, so I only need to deal with one office!) Then I send that letter back to USCIS so that they can process our application. This is really becoming frustrating!

We also were able to talk to our adoption lawyer this evening and found out that the process in Congo is currently taking longer (as we had heard). From everything I heard today, I don't really expect us to be able to go get the babies before the end of October at the earliest. Please keep praying for the process to go smoothly and as quickly as is possible. Pray for our foster family, too, as good things are going on for them, but our babies add a lot to the mix! And speaking of our foster family, let me just say again how GREAT they are, and how blessed we are to have them!!

In addition to a longer time frame, we also found out that there are a lot of new costs with the new way things are being processed in Congo. And more time means more foster care money, as well. We are trying to trust God with all of this, and remember that He will help us to complete what He has called us to do. It really is amazing how much peace comes from simply knowing that we are acting within the will of God. The good thing that we learned from our phone conversation today is that when we finally do get to go get the babies, we should only be there for a matter of days. A lot of the footwork that parents in the past have done, will now be done through a representative. Being there for a shorter time really helps with my peace of mind about both of us travelling (which I really feel is necessary with two new-to-us toddlers flying halfway around the world!!) and leaving Megan behind. So I guess there's the silver lining in the increase in waiting time and expenses. It helps to find one. =)

Judgement Day!!

Yay!! We've just received word that we got our judgement today for our babies. After a 3o day appeal window, they will be legally ours!! I can't even describe how happy and excited I feel. I think this news makes me finally feel legit - like I can start planning for them and thinking of them as "ours". Maybe it's a little like getting past that 1st trimester when you're pregnant? I know with Megan I didn't really want to plan much until getting past those 3 unstable months.

So now, during this appeal window, our lawyer in Congo will be working on getting the documents we need for them to come home. Also, on the US front, I still haven't heard any news about my second set of fingerprints. I'm hoping this is good news, since when I failed last time I had a failure notice and new appointment letter within 2 weeks. Zach's additional documentation that was required was due yesterday, so hopefully all of that is being processed now and we can get things moving again!

Noah and Lauren are still doing really, really well. =) They have both more than doubled their weight from when they first entered foster care - I think they are at 23 & 24 pounds, now. They continue to make great progress in catching up to where they should be developmentally. I've been told that Noah is pushing out a whole bunch of teeth right now - poor guy! And they are both getting close to walking, especially Lauren. It has been so much fun to Skype with them and see all the progress that they are making. They are both saying a few words (including mama and daddy which is just the BEST!) and again I think of how blessed we are that they are in an English speaking home. I know it will help with their transition immensely.

So, it's a good day for us!

Update

Whew! I've had to blow off some virtual dust from my blog here. It's been awhile! I have a hard time knowing how to write in order to keep you all updated, but still to stay within the privacy confines that I've been asked to abide by. Trying to figure out what's okay to write and what's not is confusing for me, and I end up writing nothing at all. I will do my best to keep you updated, though, and if you have questions, email and I will speak more freely.

First of all, thank you for your prayers. I know so many people have been praying for this process and it really does mean the world to us. We are not anywhere near where I thought we'd be in this process by now. I've had trouble with USCIS not being able to get my fingerprints - apparently about 3% of the population has lousy fingerprints, and I'm one of them. So after my first attempt and failure, I received another appointment for a whole month later to try to take them again. I had that appointment on June 30th and I'm pretty sure they're going to fail again. The prints are taken digitally and as they are taken, it pops up "fail" or "pass". Three of my fingers failed this time. Stink. So assuming they fail again, I will need to do it the old-fashioned way - here in Deschutes County at the Sheriff's Office with regular old ink. More money, more time. But hey - these are my labor pains. =) Why they make me drive to Portland twice for something that I can do here in Bend does not make any sense to me, but that's government for you! There was also a bit of information missing from Zach's home study, and so we are having to do another paper chase for him. At least we are delayed together. Pray that we will be able to get that completed quickly. USCIS gives him until July 25th to send the additional paperwork in, or they will deny his application. Getting paperwork requires other people doing the work in a timely manner, and I've had a lot of stress about this particular part of our process. I just don't like being out of control, I guess. =)

On the Congo side of things, I am not able to write as much about (feel free to email or ask in person, though), but we are still very much waiting, waiting, waiting. Pray that the documents we need will be able to get from Place A to Place B. This is the hang-up right now. What should have taken around 2 weeks is past the 2 month mark now. It is frustrating, but I am still at peace and don't have any reason to think that this is anything more than a delay. I am really trying to trust God's timing. I've really felt Him at work in my life, preparing me to be the mama these babies will need. I am praying that nothing gets in the way of His will for these babies and for our family.

The happier news is that they are both THRIVING in their foster home. Again and again, I am just so very thankful for the two families who've taken them in while we work to get over there. They are at their second foster home now, as planned, and they are growing and making such good gains. All healthy babies grow quickly, but these two seem to get a month older each week. Since moving to foster care at the end of March, they have almost doubled their weight, and are getting close to being able to walk on their own! Of course this makes me so happy, as it's exactly what they should be doing, but it is so hard to not be there for all of it. I don't feel like I can complain too much, though, because we get to Skype with out babies regularly!! I can hardly believe this blessing, and it has been so helpful as we've been matched with them for over 4 months, now. And we still have at least a few months to go, it would seem. =( As far as a real guess about when we'll be able to go get them, I'm not really trying to figure it out anymore. Partly because it's easier to just let the days kind of mesh together without a certain time I'm looking to, and mostly because I really don't have a clue! But back to Skyping with the babies - the last couple of times I have talked with them, Noah has been pointing at me and saying "Mama". I LOVE this. Can't even really describe it. Of course, I'd like it to be technically and legally true, and sometimes I have a hard time thinking of myself as their mama yet, but oh, I do love them like a mama loves her babies. I long for them so much, but I am just trusting in the fact that no matter what happens, God has called our family to these two. Knowing what the end result would be from all of this, He designed for us to be matched with these two babies. I really have no doubt about that. There have been too many "coincidences" that led us to this place for me to think anything else. And even beyond that, there's a peace in my heart that comes only from being certain that I am on the right path in this regard. So I rest and wait and sometimes cry from frustration and the longing for them to be home. And I pray, pray, pray.

Going Private and Being "All In"

As you all are aware, I've had to make my blog private. It is something that was recommended to all of us in a Congo Adoption Yahoo Group. To put it mildly, there is a lot of corruption within the Congolese government, and the less information they are able to get from my blog, the better it is for everyone. Having to be careful with information about my life is not something that comes naturally to me, but then, I've never been in the place where sharing information could jeopardize attempts to do good. I guess the good thing about going private is that I feel a lot more freedom to share.

So here's what's been going on since I last updated. The babies are really doing great in their foster home - getting stronger and fatter each day! I get pictures and am able to hear how they are doing every week. I keep feeling amazed and so grateful that I am able to receive so much information about them during this time. It is not the norm for an international adoption, for sure. Our dossier, which is the packet of information required by Congo, has been filed and we are officially an adoptive family in process! If that goes smoothly, the kiddos could be legally ours in around 2 months! However, plenty has to happen on the U.S. side of things before we go get them. And, honestly, a lot can happen there, even after they become ours, that can delay things quite a bit. Please keep praying. Congo is a very unstable and risky place to adopt from, and adoption "miscarriages" can definitely happen.

This brings me to the "all in" part of my post. Zach and I made a decision, from the beginning of our referral, to love these babies. Many well-meaning and loving people have cautioned me to not fall too hard for them, and I get it. However, we feel so much that God has called us to this process, and that while this does not necessarily mean things will turn out how we might expect or wish them to, we have peace that we are following His plan and that He will use whatever happens for good. Even if these precious children are never to be ours, they will have been loved and named and longed for. I guess I am feeling the need to remind myself of this, as there has been so much talk lately about immigration problems on the Congo side of things, increasing violence in the eastern side where our babies are, and the upcoming election next year with rumors of the UN pulling out of Congo. I honestly don't have any more info about all that than what I've just posted. I don't know what is true, false or hype. I just know that I feel fear creeping in, which brings the temptation to harden my heart. But fear is not of God, and it certainly isn't what I've been called to do. And so I will look at the pictures of the babies I hope will be ours, and love them and pray for them and plan for the day when they will be here. And in case you want to do the same, here are some little faces to look at while you pray...

Waiting

First off, no, this is not a post about all of the waiting required in the adoption process. But who knows? You may get one of those from me in due time. Right now we are scurrying about too much to feel like we are actually waiting.

But I'll get back to the subject of this post...

I can tend to get so frustrated with myself for not being better than I am. I have this idea of who I want to be, but in actuality I am someone far different. If I could only be the facebook version of myself ... that wittier, funnier, more upbeat person, with all the bad pictures removed. I want my life to just be the highlights, or the moments when I'm really doing it well. The days I cook from scratch, or search the Fred Meyer parking lot until I find the car cart for my daughter to ride in while I get super good deals on all that organic produce. I want to be the girl who actually does her hair instead of putting it up in a ponytail yet again, or the person who actually likes to exercise (it's not just a myth - there really are those of you out there, right??) On a deeper level, I want to be a woman who communes with God daily, who dwells in peace because she truly gets it when God talks about trusting in Him. I want to be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient ... all of the fruits of the Spirit. More than anything, I want to be someone to whom God says, "Well done, good and faithful daughter."

Most days, I feel like I flat out Fail. And I can get discouraged thinking that I should know better by now, or that I've already had enough chances to get it right. And this is only the stuff I know about. Thank heavens that God only reveals our sinful natures to us one layer at a time. I think I'd throw in the towel if I could see the whole of it. I've mulled this over for the past - oh, I don't know - 15 years, probably. But yesterday at church I heard, "Wait." (In all honesty, I've probably heard it before - at least once in 15 years, I'd imagine!) However, this time I think it might have actually sunk in.

Growth is slow. Remain in Him. Wait.

Am I really able to remain in Him, even with all this crud ... all this selfishness, laziness, pettiness, sinfulness? To my surprise, I am certain that the answer is a resounding YES! In fact, it's the only thing I really CAN do. So I am praying for something different now. Instead of the ability for me to just get my act together already, I am praying that God will help me to remain in Him. To stay with Him, even when my failures make me want to hide and hang my head in shame. To keep coming back, even before I get it right because goodness knows, that method's not working for me. To wait for Him to do His work in His timing. The cool thing is (and, yes, I know the word "cool" is not actually cool anymore) when I look back 5 years or so, I can see growth. I see how I have become more like Jesus. Maybe I'm like a juniper tree - those babies grow really slowly - but I am growing nevertheless. Thank God. And just so you know, once it's established, the juniper tree is pretty resilient and can handle things like freezing temperatures, high winds and even fires.

John 15:1-4 "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

To Be Real

It has been different trying to write new posts now that I've made this blog's existence known. I have started a couple, then discarded them, feeling they were too revealing. When I first began this blog, not really planning on telling people it was here, it was easy for me to just write about whatever I was thinking. Now? Not so much. This is intersting and unexpected for me, as I've always thought of myself as an "open book" kind of person. I also have been unsure how much about these twins I want to reveal on a public board. While I want to talk about them, I also want to respect their privacy. It feels somewhat exploitive to talk too much about their specific lives at this point. I've been trying to put myself in their adolescent shoes, wondering what I'd be okay with in that situation, and what I wouldn't be okay with. So, please excuse me while I process this and try to get my new blogger hat on straight.

In the meantime, I do have updates to share. After switching to a different agency to complete our homestudy, things are moving along nicely. Fingerprints are being processed, we are just about done with the required paperwork, and the home visit is this next weekend. (By the way, this is another reason I have not been writing here as much lately. I've been writing a novel about myself - 9 pages!! - instead.) We have named the babies, as they had not been named yet, and names were needed to process paperwork. They are also required by DRC government to have a Congolese name, so we chose Swahili names for them as well. We had been expecting to have their given names be their middle names, but since they'd just been given the nick-names of Cito and Cikkuru, which mean "first born" and "second born" (which I've recently found out is pretty customary for twins in Congo) we did our best as American parents to give them good Congolese middle names. So, their names are Lauren Adia and Noah Kito. Adia (ah DEE uh) means "gift from God" and Kito (KEE toh) means "jewel, or precious child." It looks like they will be transferred to foster care anytime now, and I am very happy with the foster situation that has been worked out for them. We have been told that if eveything goes according to plan, we might be able to travel sometime in the August to October range. Thanks for reading and caring about these babies. The support we've received has been overwhelming. Please pray that God will continue to care for these precious little ones, and for all the other children of Congo.

An Update

I guess I should probably give an update on what's going on with our adoption. First off, here's a picture of the cutie-pies we are praying and hoping and working to bring home. They are 12 month old twins, a boy and a girl. At this time, we have not heard what their names are, or which one is the boy and which is the girl. I definitely have my own opinion about which is which, but would like some confirmation!

We were incredibly surprised on March 1st, to get a call from OFA asking if we'd be interested in these little ones! Zach stepped out in the middle of church to take the phone call, as he was on call for his work that week. He gave me a funny look when I came out after the service and told me there were twin 12 month-olds that were available and would we be interested? Needless to say, I was pretty shocked as we hadn't even began our home study! The next day, we said YES!! we are interested, and in not too long, we were staring at this beautiful picture. The orphanage is a new one to OFA, and as such, we are their trial run. And while all adoptions can be unpredictable, it is even more so in the DRC, and downright risky in this new orphanage. An email was quickly shot off to Congo with our autobiographies, family picture, and a reference from our pastor. And after the orphanage and a pastor (who had brought the babies to the orphanage) reviewed our papers, it was decided we'd be a good match for the babies.

We have heard from our adoption lawyer that they are hopefully going to be placed with a foster family this weekend. The orphanage is extremely lacking in both food and in enough caregivers to give adequate attention to all the children living there, and we are praying that the transfer is able to happen quickly. Right now we are waiting to hear back from our homestudy place on whether or not we can get going on that. It's been a bit frustrating trying to get this process started. Hopefully we can get something scheduled this week. In the meantime, we have been getting our dossier together and, minus the home study, have just about completed it. If everything goes well, we have been told to expect to travel to DRC to pick them up sometime in the August to October range. I can't believe it could be so soon!! Please continue to keep them in your prayers. We love them already.

The Babies in Africa

Our hands reach for the latest trends
His hands reach for food that's not there.
We fill our desires for shiny baubles
While the babies in Africa die.

We hunt for just the right size, color, cut
She hunts for a morsel of food to feed her starving child.
We pull out our cash and feel pleased
While the babies in Africa die.

We risk taking out that home loan
She risks rape for food to keep her child alive just one more day.
We strive to move up in this world
While the babies in Africa die.

We pump up our lips with collagen
His cheeks cave in with starvation.
We look in the mirror and (almost) smile
While the babies in Africa die.

Can you see their frailness?
Can you hear their cries?
Why are we sleepwalking - sleepliving
While the babies in Africa die?

Adoption

After dreaming of adoption since my sophomore year in high school, Zach and I began the process of adoption through Oregon's foster system in the Spring of 2009. We took our time filling out the application, finally getting it sent in at the beginning of January. At this time, we hadn't even been considering international adoption.

Recently, we have become aware of what has been happening in the Congo these past years. Our church does a lot of work there, and we have grown to care about the people who live in the Congo. When the earthquake happened in Haiti, we (like so many other people, I am sure) wished that we could adopt an orphan from Haiti. We quickly realized that it wasn't possible. Not only is their government completely unable to process adoptions presently, but we don't even meet the age requirements. This started us thinking about international adoptions, and it didn't take us long to realize that while, yes, there is massive devastation in Haiti, they are not the only ones in the world who are suffering. And while they have lost around 200,000 people, the Congo has lost 5.4 million and there are so many children who desperately need homes in order to survive. In fact, there are 5 million children who've been orphaned due to all of the unrest.

A few weeks ago, I was reading a World Relief Next blog by Matt Smith about the Congo, and felt a deep longing to help the children of this country. I called Zach saying, "This is going to sound crazy, but I really think we should adopt from the Congo." You can imagine my surprise when he replied, "Well, I was on a web page last night about Congo adoptions, and I've already sent them an e-mail requesting information." And so here we are! A wonderful organization called Our Family Adoptions (which operates completely through volunteers!) is helping us with our adoption. On their web page is an answer to the question of why one should adopt from the Congo when there are children in our own country needing homes, and the answer that was given is really what solidified our decision to go this route. It answered, "While adoptable children in the US might not have families, they will still get food and care. The children in DRC are dying."

So that is the beginning of our adoption journey. If you would like more information about the Congo, both of these websites are loaded with information.

http://www.ourfamilyadoptions.org/
www.worldreliefnext.org/learn/congo.php

Something New

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19

Well, I thought I had something to say. This verse has been spinning around in my head for a couple of months now. Apparently I need to think about it some more before I wax eloquent. I'll be back...

EDITED TO ADD: Sorry for being weird, but I just don't know how to explain what I am thinking and feeling about this verse right now. It feels like my life, but it's too abstract for me to share.

Much

This past year I've been constantly reminded of that verse in the Bible that says to whom much has been given, much will be expected. It's uncomfortable to think about. Yet it's a phrase that seems to have taken up permanent residence in my head. With all the recent focus on Haiti, it has become blatantly obvious that I am in the "much" category. It's easy to compare myself to others in my community and I can notice my cheaper clothing, my lack of this, my modest that... It's very easy to see those with more. But then I turn around ... I look the other way. I am overwhelmed by how much I have. What am I to do with this? I start to hate the feeling of conviction without direction. (But that probably points right back to the fact that I don't like to be uncomfortable.) Jesus said to leave it all and come follow him. I'm not quite sure how to do that. In the meantime, I can choose where I am looking - enough with Hollywood's "best dressed" list already! I can look at the faces and start to truly love "the least of these." I can hold my possessions with open hands and be more willing to share. I can pray for a heart that actually means it when I say "Lord, this house, this car, my energy, my time, my money is yours. Use it however you see fit." And I can prepare my heart to be alert and obedient whenever he does say "come follow me ... and this is how I want you to do it."

My Pseudo Life

One thing about myself, that I really dislike, is my tendency to feel satisfied with fake living. Reading about fitness, but not actually exercising ... watching fake t.v. characters developing great friendships, but not putting in the effort myself ... looking at cookbooks for entertainment, then not having anything prepared for dinner. I could go on and on, but I'm feeling transparent enough as it is.

Thinking, planning, reading, making lists. These become worthless, even damaging, when they satisfy the need without first spurring one on to action. It's like eating junk food - your hunger is satisfied, but your body still lacks nutrients - the good things that nourish life and bring about health. I struggle with this often, but on the other hand, also have a desperate need to take stock of my life and assess whether I'm living the life I'm really meant to live. I've never really craved another's life, but rather, am envious of the person who I see truly living her life - being who God made her to be. I want to be Fully Alive.

In praying about this, I've realized two things that keep me from being fully alive: my pseudo life (which is the subject of this post) and one other thing (which I've been aware of and fought against for some time, and which I feel no further need to process, therefore blog about.) But as far as this pseudo life thing goes, it's time to get rid of it and feel the real lack in my life, then face it head on. So goodbye hulu, and all the rest. You've been fun, but not really. Time to do something real.