Friday, January 1, 2010

My Pseudo Life

One thing about myself, that I really dislike, is my tendency to feel satisfied with fake living. Reading about fitness, but not actually exercising ... watching fake t.v. characters developing great friendships, but not putting in the effort myself ... looking at cookbooks for entertainment, then not having anything prepared for dinner. I could go on and on, but I'm feeling transparent enough as it is.

Thinking, planning, reading, making lists. These become worthless, even damaging, when they satisfy the need without first spurring one on to action. It's like eating junk food - your hunger is satisfied, but your body still lacks nutrients - the good things that nourish life and bring about health. I struggle with this often, but on the other hand, also have a desperate need to take stock of my life and assess whether I'm living the life I'm really meant to live. I've never really craved another's life, but rather, am envious of the person who I see truly living her life - being who God made her to be. I want to be Fully Alive.

In praying about this, I've realized two things that keep me from being fully alive: my pseudo life (which is the subject of this post) and one other thing (which I've been aware of and fought against for some time, and which I feel no further need to process, therefore blog about.) But as far as this pseudo life thing goes, it's time to get rid of it and feel the real lack in my life, then face it head on. So goodbye hulu, and all the rest. You've been fun, but not really. Time to do something real.

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