Waiting

First off, no, this is not a post about all of the waiting required in the adoption process. But who knows? You may get one of those from me in due time. Right now we are scurrying about too much to feel like we are actually waiting.

But I'll get back to the subject of this post...

I can tend to get so frustrated with myself for not being better than I am. I have this idea of who I want to be, but in actuality I am someone far different. If I could only be the facebook version of myself ... that wittier, funnier, more upbeat person, with all the bad pictures removed. I want my life to just be the highlights, or the moments when I'm really doing it well. The days I cook from scratch, or search the Fred Meyer parking lot until I find the car cart for my daughter to ride in while I get super good deals on all that organic produce. I want to be the girl who actually does her hair instead of putting it up in a ponytail yet again, or the person who actually likes to exercise (it's not just a myth - there really are those of you out there, right??) On a deeper level, I want to be a woman who communes with God daily, who dwells in peace because she truly gets it when God talks about trusting in Him. I want to be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient ... all of the fruits of the Spirit. More than anything, I want to be someone to whom God says, "Well done, good and faithful daughter."

Most days, I feel like I flat out Fail. And I can get discouraged thinking that I should know better by now, or that I've already had enough chances to get it right. And this is only the stuff I know about. Thank heavens that God only reveals our sinful natures to us one layer at a time. I think I'd throw in the towel if I could see the whole of it. I've mulled this over for the past - oh, I don't know - 15 years, probably. But yesterday at church I heard, "Wait." (In all honesty, I've probably heard it before - at least once in 15 years, I'd imagine!) However, this time I think it might have actually sunk in.

Growth is slow. Remain in Him. Wait.

Am I really able to remain in Him, even with all this crud ... all this selfishness, laziness, pettiness, sinfulness? To my surprise, I am certain that the answer is a resounding YES! In fact, it's the only thing I really CAN do. So I am praying for something different now. Instead of the ability for me to just get my act together already, I am praying that God will help me to remain in Him. To stay with Him, even when my failures make me want to hide and hang my head in shame. To keep coming back, even before I get it right because goodness knows, that method's not working for me. To wait for Him to do His work in His timing. The cool thing is (and, yes, I know the word "cool" is not actually cool anymore) when I look back 5 years or so, I can see growth. I see how I have become more like Jesus. Maybe I'm like a juniper tree - those babies grow really slowly - but I am growing nevertheless. Thank God. And just so you know, once it's established, the juniper tree is pretty resilient and can handle things like freezing temperatures, high winds and even fires.

John 15:1-4 "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."