Some Truths about Whom I've Been

[Before I write anything, I'll confess that I had to google "who vs. whom" for my title. Grammar geeks, please let me know if I got it wrong!]

I have a few disclaimers to start with: 1) this post is not about adoption, and 2) I have a feeling it's going to be long. Feel free to skip over my processing if you're just here for news about the babies. My feelings will not be hurt.

I really never meant for this blog to be technically "an adoption blog". Of course, I had no idea we'd be adopting internationally until a month after I began this blog. As I was contemplating the end of another year this past December, I really felt God telling me that this year would bring about new things in my life. Adopting twins from DRC definitely feels like the biggest "new" thing thus far, however, I have noticed many other changes, as well. I kind of feel like I'm coming back to life and finding my passions and purpose after more than a decade of feeling, well ... dead, in a lot of areas. But before I get to the fun stuff, a necessary jaunt to the past is in order...

During the summer of 1999, about half a year before Zach and I were married, I was working my 3rd summer at a Christian day camp outside of Newberg. As the summer went along, I began to feel more and more tired, and like I just didn't want to do anything anymore. It was frustrating, and I thought that maybe I just had some character flaw in me - laziness, lack of motivation, etc. Whatever it was, I ended up staying at home a lot that summer and not joining in most of the activities I'd loved the previous 2 summers at the camp. I came to find out in September that I had mono, which explained a lot. I had no idea the spiral that it would send me down, though, and that I'd feel the effects of that even today - 11 years later.

I became extremely tired the next year, and Zach got to practice the "in sickness" part of our vows from the get go. A typical day that first year would look like this: I would get up late in the morning, he'd be gone to work, I'd lay on the couch and watch t.v. or read, be proud of myself if I got even an hour's worth of work done that day, maybe make dinner. Zach would come home and eat, do the dishes, hang with me on the couch because I wasn't up for doing anything, and then carry me to bed at the end of the day when I was too tired to do anything at all. And repeat, repeat, repeat. I spent a lot of money and time the next several years, trying to feel well again. And I got more and more sick. I ended up with labels like multiple chemical sensitivities, adrenal fatigue, vitamin B deficiency, magnesium deficiency, and probably a few more that I've put out of my memory.

After several years, I was scared, very tired, and had a whole lot of weird symptoms that included feeling weak on the right side of my body, numbness and tingling in my arms and face that would happen at random times and whenever I'd ride in a car for more than 5 - 10 minutes, panic attacks, skipped heart beats, insomnia that would cause me to wake up gasping for air right as I was falling asleep and would keep me awake until 3 or 4 in the morning sometimes. Again, there are many more, but I really don't want to drag them out of the recesses of my mind. I started to be afraid of everything including food (is something in it going to make me feel sick?), the air (what chemicals are floating around that may cause symptoms?), and personal hygiene products, for the same reason. I was a mess. My apologies to many of my friends during that time. I know I checked out.

Of course, I prayed about all of this a lot, but I never got any lasting relief from my fears and symptoms. Finally, in desperation when I was about 6 months pregnant, I started begging God to change something in me. I knew I wouldn't be able to fake my way through parenthood like I was trying to in many of my friendships, and I did not want to pass any of this onto my child. One morning, sobbing in the shower, praying over my unborn child and calling out for rescue, I felt God speaking to me, and telling me she would have peace.

I'd like to say that a lot changed right after that moment, but it didn't. It's been a slow process, like a glacier carving out the side of a mountain. There were certainly big moments when God showed me something new, whether through time spent with Him or through other people, or when He did free me from something too big for me to overcome. But mostly it's been a lot of hard work - choosing to obey when it felt like I couldn't, choosing to believe what I felt Him telling me rather than what my body was telling me, choosing to acknowledge that all of the fear in my life was sin - plain and simple, choosing to submit myself to Him over and over again. And in the past 5 years, I have become a new (though still in-progress) person. Sometimes I still have to fight hard against the identity of "sick Heather" that I've thought of myself for so many years. Many times, I still have to confess when I dwell on fearful thoughts, and some days I still struggle with lack of energy (or the bad habits that being sick for so long created). However, all of my hard work would be nothing if God did not take my often meager efforts, and make them into something more than I'm capable of. I know for a fact that there is nothing good in me without His presence in my life. I am quite honestly pathetic and useless without His mercy. I have seen it.

So back to the present. If you've stuck with me this far, well, thank you. As I said at the beginning of this post, I have had a lot of new things awakening in me this past year - things that I have started or am making plans for. I am excited. I'd like to write more about each one, but I fear I have written more than necessary already today. Be on the lookout soon for a post about my next adventure: homeschooling. Even after all the planning I've done, and so much reading and talking about the subject, I am still in a bit of disbelief that I'm actually doing this. It's so funny how we can think, "Never in a million years..."